Dating Younger Versus Dating Older
A Dialogue About Dating with Kendra Martin While sitting around with my sisters, the subject of relationships came up as it often does. I love
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What is an Entanglement?
Recently the world saw Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith sit down for a Red Table Talk – with each other. Jada Pinkett-Smith used this word –entanglement– and all of a sudden it’s become a joke. Or worse, a tool used by many to mock what I’m sure was a difficult time for her. I like the word, so to honor you, Mrs. Smith, I will use it also.
As the author of adult fiction, it’s very common for my characters to be in entanglements. Just like it’s common for everyday people. I’ve always been intrigued by the subject of sex, especially as it relates to married people. So, I fully understand how those in the throes of marital bliss can suddenly find themselves in… entanglements.
Please be clear, I am not endorsing anything. I’m simply saying that I’ve witnessed many married couples go through hell with each other. And being in a marriage myself for over 35 years, I’ve had my share of issues too.
I’ve written a five-book series on this very subject, though three are available now. ‘The Exes and Excess Series’ is centered around affairs, infidelity and entanglements, and many of the reasons they happen. Most people enter these situations believing they’ll be loveless, physical encounters. But oftentimes, they become complicated entanglements.
I sometimes believe we, society that is, may have gotten it wrong. Honestly, how do we expect people to stop being sexually attracted to one another? Especially in cases where things are so jacked up at home.
I spend a lot of time doing extensive research for my work. For instance, I’ve interviewed many men and women on male infidelity. And not one person could tell me they know of one man who has not cheated on his wife. Not one.
That doesn’t mean they don’t exist. So, for the sake of this blog, please let me know if you know of one. Tell me, what does that statistic say to you? That men are dogs? That men have no control? They think with the wrong head? I think not.
What about the women who have cheated? What are they? Whores? I don’t think that either. I think somewhere, somehow, we got it wrong.
In my research, I asked several men who admitted to cheating this question: If you had three wives, all bringing a different flavor to the table, would you be less likely to cheat? The result was 100% they would be less likely to cheat.
Not one of them believed they would cheat again. Why? The main reason most people cheat (my opinion) is not that they’re not getting sex at home, it’s because it’s the same sex. Year after year of the same ole thing. Again, this is not me glorifying infidelity, this is simply ‘Kendra expressing her thoughts.’
And unless people are willing to do the work and be creative with their partners, people will end up in emotional entanglements, physical entanglements… or both?
It’s unfortunate that Jada and Will felt they had to publicize this situation. I respect them for doing so, but I agree with Jada when she said it really isn’t anyone’s business. Why are we so caught up in knowing other people’s business?
And if it’s true that they have an open marriage, then good for them. Honestly, I think the reason most people appear outraged by open marriages is that they envy them. Don’t beat me up for saying it, but if the rumor is true then I think they got it right.
Do you think that Jada and Will Smith should’ve addressed the comments that August Alsina made with the public? Let’s have a discussion and let me know what your thoughts are in the comment section below.
A Dialogue About Dating with Kendra Martin While sitting around with my sisters, the subject of relationships came up as it often does. I love
Hi #TeamKendra! I’m pleased and excited to announce that my first book signing will be in my hometown of Rochester, N.Y. Dates and venues to
Hi #TeamKendra, Welcome to Exes and Excess! It’s an exciting time because today is the day my book is finally released. I invite all of
15 Responses
Kendra,
Thank you for your transparency and your opinion. I too am of the persuasion AND appreciation that Jada -aka- Mrs. Smith came to her own Red Table to share with her listeners. Even though it definitely was NOT any of our business!
As a Christian and believer of the Gospel of Jesus Christ; including what the Bible says about marriage (between man and woman by “birth”), it is MY opinion or stance that regardless of how ‘jacked up” a marriage is; that brother or that sister has A CHOICE!
The Holy Spirit that indwells within each believer serves as our helper in resisting fleshly desires and sinful acts outside of marriage. Be very clear, I am not trying to preach to and/or teach anyone of a different belief system. Please Ref. 1 Cor. 10:13.
My need to respond to your blog comes from a very personal experience of my being in a ‘closed’ marriage at 18 years like ‘Felicia’ in your first book “Exes and Excess” (yes! I have read the series).
So you see, I got something to say! LOL My “Todd” was my first introduction to sex when I got married! BUT, 8 years later it ended because of infidelity.
You say folks didn’t do the work to keep it spicy? Like Felicia, you only know what that virgin wife is taught by her husband, so if he wants a new “flavor”, then as my husband it was his duty as my covering to introduce his new flavors or desires within the holy confines of marriage. Yet, he made the ‘choice’ to go outside the marriage to “do the work”.
Nevertheless, and my final thoughts, we as believers of the Most High God, Jesus Christ, have the tools within to fight ANY demonic (satanic) attack especially those on any ‘jacked up’ marriage union brought together by God.
I’m just say’in!.
Thank you for letting me share!
Thank you NP for your response.
As a Christian, I agree with you. I believe God is able to do any and all things. The problem here is not God. It’s the men or women, yes many of them Believers, who choose to ignore those tools to fight it. I believe the reality here is that if we all used those tools, we wouldn’t be talking about this. Also, I thank you for acknowledging that you have read my books. And yes, you are accurate regarding the responsibility of the husband to share with his virginal wife what he desires. He is her teacher and left her in a lose-lose position.
Kendra
Absolutely none of anybody’s business. They did not need to respond. When you start addressing your personal business in the public realm you invite public opinion in. If that’s the outcome you’re looking for then, have at it. If not, keep the media out of your business and ignore all the noise.
As far as cheating I believe there are many reasons people cheat. Having been married 20 years I can say you will always come in contact with attractive desirable people. It is what you decide do with that interaction, right. Couples are most vulnerable when things are not going right at home. You ever notice how HE says all the right things when you’re not happy at home or hubby pisses you off. Or how “SHE” listens and understands you the way your wife doesn’t when you’re mad at wifey at home. It is so easy to get caught in an “entanglement” when stuff ain’t right at home. But is it really real or is it all fantasy? What happens when real life sets in and all the lusting and heat of the moment goes away…what happens then. Is the grass really greener or did that sh** dry up like the rest of the attraction…I’m just sayin.”
Thank you Poodie for your response.
Isn’t it interesting how people look so much better when things are bad at home? And how many people end up with broken hearts when, to use your words, ish dries up? I believe women find themselves in this position more than men. I also think most women cheat as a means of revenge. But in some cases, they end up emotionally entangled.
Kendra
I agree with you, if the rumor is true they got it right. it’s their personal business they didn’t have to share what happen but because Jada has the red table talk show and constantly encouraging others to come on her show and open up and it’s only right that she be willing to open up with her viewers as well.
With cheating,I feel like there would be less cheaters if men and women were allowed to express their sexual attraction For others more freely in with their partners.. because you aren’t allowed to express this interest in other women, they sneak.. and cheat. I think more honest conversations need to happen.
Thank you Tiffany for your response.
Whew! Tiffany, the thing I emphasize in all of my books is the notion that we give sex wayyyy too much power in our lives. We allow it to destroy marriages, families and love relationships every day. So much power given to something that may or may not last ten minutes. I believe if we have more, to use your words, honest conversations, we would preserve these relationships and possibly enhance them.
Kendra
Hello Kendra… I have not read your books just yet but I promise to read and follow this dialogue going forward to add some context from a mans vantage point. I agree with Jada.. it’s really none of our business who she sees on the side but since they live life in a fishbowl we all know their business and feel compelled to say something.. honestly my heart goes out to Will.. Obviously he had something going on the side but this story became one sided when she used her platform to tell her side of story. AA had to speak his truths since people were making him out to be a home wrecker. An interesting discussion would have included all three of them sitting at the red table together..
I often wonder why Will and Jada stayed in a “bad” marriage? Why didn’t they agree to walk away from their marriage? I know it’s easy for me to say since I don’t know their finances and other reasons for them staying in the marriage. How did they not recognize that their marriage was over? I know every marriage will eventually be tested but why stay if you acknowledge that it’s a bad one? I know people do stay in bad marriages for many reasons.. that may be a good discussion for another post.
Real talk.. all men don’t cheat! I happen to know some good dudes that are committed and faithful.. I will also tell you that most men have been tempted but not every man succumbs to infidelity..
Unless I misread your post, you say if a man had three wives he would be less likely to cheat.. I would would agree but I’m sure he would start drinking so he could keep up with all the demands they will all have for his time and his package.. Seriously, a man with multiple women may be less likely to cheat but he will have his hands full trying to keep up with all of the women and they will be more likely to cheat since they are only getting 33% of his time. I understand your premise but was really trying to make the point that men do like variety but one woman can provide the different looks that her man needs. If you are implying that men are complex and have different needs and would need different women to piece together his needs then that too could be another discussion.
I would concede your point and would agree that men do like variety as I’m sure women do as well. A friend of mine once told me that women want quality and not quantity as it pertains to men. On the other hand, men want want great sex, conversation and to feel respected. If it takes multiple women to help him achieve that desire to be king then he will take on multiple women.
I reiterate the point that all men don’t cheat for the sex. Some men get entangled and emotionally involved because they are being emotionally or physically starved at home.. guess what? women do the same.. I will not speak for all men but the guys that I know all want exclusivity and loyalty.. men need an experience not just sex.. I think if a man had one good wife that gave him a great experience that he also reciprocated to her.. neither would cheat. Keep in mind our needs and wants change over time. Without communication the marriage may be doomed to fail.
I also believe men don’t set out to cheat especially if the have a good thing at home.. Some people marry for different reasons but over time they realize that the person that they marry may not be what they ultimately need for a life partner. Some men stay in so they don’t disrupt things at home but they want and deserve happiness. So extramarital may be the ticket..
Thank you for your response Ty…
First of all, I’m thrilled to be responding to a man. Secondly, I’d like to discuss why people stay in bad marriages.
I think the old tired excuse regarding the kids is probably the one most people use. But I admit I totally understand it. My husband and I agreed that no matter what, we would not break up because we were both committed to our kids. The problem with that kind of arrangement is that one or both could become totally miserable. In our case, although we had our problems, we were always kind to each other and found a way to work things out. I also think people stay because they don’t want to start over. Or like you said, financially it would be a hardship on both of them. In my discussions with men, I found a lot of them stay for these reasons.
I think some women stay because they don’t want to change their lifestyle. And most women want a husband versus someone to ‘hang out with’. And being a middle aged woman, my friends who are single are all discouraged by the fact that most men their age aren’t looking for wives. And unless there’s abuse involved, I think at a certain point (or age), people just stay.
I’m glad you pointed out that all men don’t cheat. It’s refreshing to know that they exist and that other men see that it’s possible. But we agree that the majority of men have had entanglements. And I admit I laughed when you talked about the three wives. That’s why it’s good to get a man’s perspective. And we know realistically, there are very few people (in our culture) that would even consider polygamy.
Another issue for women is that oftentimes they believe they’re giving him what he wants (and needs). Because so many people have problems communicating, I assume this is an issue with both men and women. So, one is totally blindsided to learn that their spouse is stepping out. And I think this is possibly where emotional entanglement plays a role. Because as you said, it’s not always about sex. And because everyone wants to feel special and desired, they sometimes latch on to the first pretty face or handsome smile that pays attention to them. And I’m totally fascinated by you saying men want an experience. I believe I get it, but I would love for you to explain that. (smile)
I’m sure there’s a myriad of reasons why people cheat. And you’re probably right that most don’t set out to do it. In many cases, it’s an unexpected entanglement, and before either knows what hit them, it takes on a life of its own. So, I’m anxious for you to read my series and hopefully I’ll get more feedback.
Kendra
Hi Kendra.
I am a Christian woman. I found this discussion very enlightening and it is so interesting how the lens changes when it comes to gender and sexual encounters. Meaning it is “ expected “ for a man to have multiple bed partners and that is deemed ok. Yet a women is to wait for marriage. I personally believe sex should be done with your spouse only. And it should not be something shared with anyone else. As for Will and Jada’s decision to be open about their business if they like it, I love it! Everyone has to make their own decision when it comes to staying with a cheater ; as every person is different ; what I may consider non- negotiable may be a non- issue for the next person. I hope I am not naive in believing my future husband will not cheat on me when / if it is my time to be a wife. It is important to have the right balance so to speak . Meaning Yes I am a Christian, but I can’t be so consumed with that to the point of putting my head in the sand and be oblivious to reality. Sex is always a hot topic ; I don’t think it should be though. It is a natural act between two adults. And while I will maintain my belief it should take place between MARRIED adults,I am not interested in what other people do. And honestly unless Will or Jada were sleeping with your spouse( not meaning You personally) then it truly is Nobody’s business.
Thank you for your response Taylor…
When I was growing up, there was an expectation for females to be ‘sugar and spice and everything nice.’ We were to show decency and be upstanding at all times. While the antics of young men were laughed at and everyone said, ‘Boys will be boys.’ But, when those antics involved a female, SHE was thrown under the bus. So, I definitely agree with you. And although I’m not thrilled about the double standard, it’s refreshing to find a young lady being ‘a lady’. My mother always told me not to let my left hand know what my right hand was doing. Discretion appears to be at a minimum these days.
I really like your response. And I respect and admire your stance on your personal decisions. But I especially appreciate that you’re open minded and realistic about the world around you. In my opinion, you have a very healthy Christian position. You have no judgement. Just keeping it real.
Kendra
Let me begin by saying— I have been a FAN from the beginning!
Kendra, you have given many women a glimpse into the home(life) of your characters who share some of the very same coming of age struggles and challenges that your readers face day in and day out. Brava!!!!
Just like a few above mentioned: I am a Christian, however, very much so single. I had just about TWO failed engagements because of inconsistency and infidelity. So, I don’t know how it works under the LAW of marriage but I know you don’t try to make anything in your relationship a hot topic for folks to speak on. Grandmas lesson 101.
Plain and simple: when you make things public you without saying give people permission to speak on your things. Whatever they may be.
That’s a strong no for me. & a hard pass.
As for what began as just a simple testament to what went on in a season of his life — August, shared with the world some things that were seemingly still a little fresh in my opinion. Was he wrong— EQUALLY to Jada, absolutely.
However, is it fair? One would respond and say— well, is life? Things happen and it’s up to us to handle them accordingly. If they were split with no intentions to get back together was that clear? If not, there’s a problem. If so, they are just as wrong as the modern Joe. Why are they any different than the next person— status?
Thank you for your response Faye…
First of all, I’m thrilled that you’ve enjoyed the Exes Series. It’s people like you that keep me writing…(smile).
Your last question is an interesting one. I believe that is exactly why this has been so exaggerated. Us ‘common folk’ see infidelity everyday. Many of us couldn’t care less about what our neighbors are doing. But there is a certain intrigue when it happens to famous people or church leaders or anyone well known. For some reason, we have this idea that their humanity goes away once they’re no longer ‘one of us’.
As for August publicizing this ‘entanglement’, I have issue with that. There’s nothing worse than a man ‘kissing and telling’. That goes for women too. But when men do it, they look like some kind of hero. Whereas his telling of it makes the woman look like a, well, remove the ‘er’ from hero. And yes, it’s true that some things have changed regarding this double standard. But at the end of the day, Jada is wearing the weight of this entanglement. Even though Will did the same thing, (and maybe more), he and August look like victims, while Jada looks like the villain. What the hell??!!!
Kendra
This is a very interesting and timely discussion. I strongly believe in “minding one’s own business,” yet because so much of the Smith’s marriage and family dynamics are so public, it is difficult not to comment on it. Will Smith’s reaction to Jada’s word choice resembled my own. I, too, was thinking, “Oh, that’s what you wanna call it? Cute.” Both spouses are attractive, charismatic, and intelligent in their own rights, so it was obvious that they understood each other’s reaction. The timing of her word choice set this overall discussion into motion. Had she at the onset called it “an affair,” something most people understand, perhaps we’d have just stuck with the “openness” of the Smith’s marriage. I would have liked Jada to have first used the word “affair” or “extra-marital affair”– anything that’s more familiar before ever introducing the synonym “entanglement.” Ironically, it wouldn’t have been fitting for Jada to say “cheating” because Will knew about it.
Anyone who knows me is fully aware that I am not afraid of words; however, I believe Jada’s use of the “e” word made it seems as if she was trying to sugarcoat, minimize, backpedal, or even elevate her share. Having recently come out to the world myself, I thunderously applaud Jada for so bravely divulge such an intimate subject to us at “The Red Table,” despite August’s expose. Again, I think she should have used a more familiar word first. Sadly, this bit of personal business further exposes society’s traditional/religious hang-ups on sex, which is something we all enjoy, with the notable exception of some asexuals. But I’ll lay that part aside.
The way I see it, Jada’s confession stirs our societal consciences. It brings to mind issues of Mrs. Smith’s indulging in her rights as an adult (a grown-ass woman), her husband’s OK, her womanhood, her humanity, her race, her intelligence, her worldview, her non/religious beliefs, etc. and how all those aspects synergize and even clash with White male supremacist worldviews about female conduct. I had to look up a couple words to clarify what’s at play here. “Polygyny” (pah-Lij-inneeh) is the umbrella term for “polyamory” (pahl-lee-AM-oreeh), one man and multiple women, AND “polyandry” (pah-lee-AN-dreeh), one woman and multiple men. Let’s call it PA if it’s easier. When I took anthropology, I learned that there are three known cultures that still observe PA– NOT TRUE. Nevertheless, in one case of PA one woman married and live in the house with biological brothers. The documentary said she spends a minimum of 15 minutes with each man per night. The youngest brother was under 12 years of age, and, because of his age, culturally he could decide whether or not to marry into the “entanglement” (no shade, maybe a little lol), when he turned 18. Those reading may be interested to YouTube search “polyandry.” It surprised me how many races of people practice it… happily.
Finally, King James was megalomaniacal (me-gah-mah-NY-ih-cal) and was obsessed for power when he combed the planet in the late 1500’s to early 1600’s to dominate every aspect of society– politics, laws, religion, family, justice, and much more. History shows, KJ wasn’t as religious or moral as most of us would like to believe. In fact, the bible itself is pretty graphic, only we’re so detached from the “coding” of the language. The holy canon has many inconsistencies regarding sex and marriage between the testaments, although God Himself does NOT. We (humans) would do well to get to know what God already knows. Even Jesus said that all the commandments can be wrapped in LOVE– loving God, yourself, and others– that’s it! Will and Jada are as human, amazing, quirky, spiritual, and individual as the rest of us. They just happen to have “balls,” a special table, and a lot more money than we do– LOL.
I think Jada challenged male bias as well. It’s not difficult to imagine almost every Black barbershop in America with at least one brother saying, “Maaan, I don’t know if I could let/deal with no other man sticking my wife…!” And then the conversation takes off! I imagine women would be rolling their eyes and tooting their lips saying, “Guuurrrl , men have been doing it for years. I’m not saying I would , but, Guuurrrl!”
Jealousy is real. Insecurities are too. The fear of comparison is very real fear for men… But one thing I recently learned is that women have the same very real concern. We should be reminded/educated of basic HUMAN needs. If we do this, we could de/reprogram ourselves and respond to taboos, in particular, less emotionally, more intellectually, and certainly humanely.
Conversations are incredibly valuable. Thanks for inviting me to the “table,” KM!
Thank you for your response Dante…
Wow! What a lot to think about. I appreciate the lesson on PA, because I admit I didn’t know those terms before. Not to mention some of the history on KJ. I particularly enjoyed your mention of Jada challenging male bias. No where is that truer than in this situation. In one of my books, there is a conversation between one of the couples where the husband asks his wife, “Which of your lovers was the biggest?” Even though she’d made it clear to her husband that he was the ‘best’, he wanted (or needed) to believe he was also the biggest. When she informed him that he wasn’t the biggest, he was floored. Being a woman, I guess I’ll never understand the male ego and their need to compare the size of things.
And now the use of the ‘e’ word. We’ll agree to disagree here. I absolutely believe what Jada had was an entanglement. If it’s true that she and Will were on a hiatus from each other at the time, or had agreed to date other people (open marriage), then what she had was not an affair. An affair is cheating and done secretly without the other spouse’s knowledge. I BELIEVE Jada when she says she ‘just wanted to feel good’. I also believe it probably got complicated, which resulted in an entanglement. Will corrected her, saying, ‘It was a relationship’. That’s true too. At least it started out that way. But it seems that as the ‘relationship’ progressed, and her situation with Will changed, (or maybe she changed) it became a snarled mess. So I think the end result for HER was that the ‘relationship’ became an entanglement.
I agree with you when you say Jada’s confession stirred our social conscious. How dare this woman make a decision to ‘handle her needs’ without permission from the male population! Heaven Forbid she might give other females the idea that it’s okay to do what men have done throughout time. Without consequence and without shame. Where’s the band wagon (of men) jumping all over Will for what he clearly did?? It’s almost amusing. Almost….
Thanks again for your thoughts…
Kendra
LOL Yes, we disagree but not with Mrs. Smith’s use of the “e” word but with her timing. Considering Jada’s powerful expose and celebrity, I believe she mostly likely underestimated the dark side of the average person’s vocabulary level. Even Will Smith, an intellectual himself, good-naturedly mocked her word choice. I’d like to infer that Will may have accepted her word choice a bit better had they been in private because he could have been able to engage her on that higher register. Just know, moreover, KM that I TOO think she was in an entanglement. It is the most appropriate word! Again, her timing caught a lot of people off guard. “Affair” has the connotation that Will had no knowledge of her extramarital relationship.
2020 is stirring social conscience of the entire world! God is shaking, awakening, and revealing truths about humanity that many would love to keep in the closet (White Supremacy, male dominant thought, sexism, etc.). To respond to your rhetorical question, “How dare this woman make a decision to ‘handle her needs’ without permission from the male population?” is real. Women are beyond tired of men telling women what to do with their bodies to the point that an Alabama legislator offered a bill requiring men to have vasectomies at age 50. Of course, the men began saying things that women have been saying all the time! Now, men are sounding “masculinist” (LOL, spin on feminist). Representative Rolanda Hollis (D) said, ““The vasectomy bill is to help with the reproductive system, and yes, it is to neutralize the abortion ban bill… it always takes two to tango,” she told AL.com. “We can’t put all the responsibility on women. Men need to be responsible also.”” I’ll bet you’re laughing, KM. I caught what she was tossing instantly!
I attached the article below.